I’ve woken up in a pretty bad mood this morning, so prepare for a long rant/lament.

I feel as though just about all my relationships have become quite superficial, and even barren. It’s not necessarily the fault of an individual, but rather the way we’ve all let things sort of drift along without really bothering to care. For my part, I freely admit that I find it hard to move beyond basic niceties and amusements; especially when I leave someone for a while without really having an in-depth, meaningful conversation with them. The longer I leave it, the more difficult I find it to return to those interactions that are actually of emotional value. This said, I think both partakers in any relationship are the culprits in cases like this. That’s no excuse for my current lack of willingness to delve into a deeper realm of interaction, but I continue to use it as one.

I think perhaps the reason I’ve maintained this barrier - it’s not a facade, as the ‘fun but one-dimensional’ conversations do still entertain me (if not engage me) to some extent - because I’m increasingly wary of properly opening up. I guess I feel that if I encourage someone to bear their heart and their problems to me, I’m going to have to reciprocate. In some ways I really, desperately want to do so, as I feel many people have maintained this idea and image of me that has sort of become redundant at this point, but again I don’t want to go through that whole emotional vulnerability thing so I just eschew it.

Another aspect of the ‘bigger problem’ is that I think people have decided, because I’ve decided to put my music online and make a few posts about it, that I’ve become this really intense narcissistc. I’m not going to lie, I am quite narcissistic in that I crave approval and want to see myself succeed in life in general. However, I don’t think I’ve become any more self-centred than usual; it’s just that my self-motivation and self-interest has, for now at least, moved from an academic sphere - where it’s “only natural” to have one’s own results as one’s motivation - to a different one, which is not necessarily normal for a person in my social sphere and/or of my age. I know plenty of people who are just as narcissistic as me, if not moreso. But I think that just because I’m attempting to plug some music - which, by my own admission is frequently undercooked and a bit shitty - people assume that I see the sun as shining out of my ass, and therefore I become far less approachable in their estimations.

Perhaps this whole music-promotional-Nazi thing has also spawned itself from the huge, gaping hole in other aspects of my life. I have literally no romantic prospects at all and have resigned myself to the fact that if I ever do get myself out there and find someone, it will be a surprise and a bonus rather than something I expect. I don’t like the idea of going into life saying “WHEN I have children”, because there’s every chance that that won’t eventuate, for any number of reasons. So maybe I’ve been trying to substitute personal affection for approval and compliments…I don’t know. OR MAYBE I’M JUST READING WAY TOO MUCH INTO EVERYTHING.

I’m already regretting the posting of this, I think I might take it down in a few hours…